Someone needs a lap counter...

You'd think someone that a college graduate working in Finance would be able to count to 5. Well, not being one to follow trends, I someone managed to do just the opposite on Saturday's Race in Prospect park. All the customary cat 5 sketchiness aside, the race was going really well. I've become a fan of the open races put on by Kissena in PP because they're short, flat, and usually end in pack sprints. that's a pretty good set up for yours truly. just hang out and sprint for a little action at the end. got me 3rd last time.



The most frustrating part of Saturday was that my legs felt great. I had the legs for a win, and i had even been visualizing it all week. Maybe it's because I didn't have any teammates in the field with me this time, but for some reason, I failed to hear the bell on the last lap, and could have sworn there was one more lap left. with less than 1 km to go in the race, i noticed everyone speeding up. I thought out loud, "is this the last lap or something??"

"yes!"

"SHIT!"

i spun up and sprinted as much as i could, and i think i managed top 15. not great, but given that i found out at the last second, I don't mind. At least I didn't get caught in the customary cat 5 pre-finish line crash/mechanical. Overall it was a good race- I felt good, and was near the front for most of it.

There was also a silly fist fight after the B race. from what I gathered, some rider in Green kept going into the rec lane (big no no); one of the Kissena racers screamed at him and told him to get out of the lane after he kept doing it. after the race, Green meanie goes up to the Kissena guy and starts talkin' tough. Tthen all of a sudden he sucker punches the kissena guy (named Eric I believe- nice guy) then the spandex-clad brawl starts and everyone's holding someone back. The guy in green ran off, but not before we took his race number down. He'll probably have his license revoked. good riddance. there's no place for fighting in amateur bike racing. its stupid and ruins the sport for everyone. I also consider it a general rule that unless you're a super hero, you should never fight in spandex. or else you end up looking like these two:



So that was fun. but now, I've got my sights set on next week's big race:

The Harlem Crit.

I've never done a crit, but I'm hoping i do well in them. I know there's a ton a speeding up and slowing down. I'm going to do my best to stay near the front, but something tells me that most people are going to have the same Idea. I've been that 'cross and crits are the same in terms of cardio effort, so we'll see how it compares. a top 10 finish in the combined 4/5 field would be fantastic. Let's see what happens. At the moment, my current bout of crappy eating makes me think I look like this when i'm being led out for the sprint:


In other news, I had a fantastic BBQ on my rooftop yesterday- complete with teammates and great beer. I think my boot-chalice makes me the Snoop dogg of white people.



For Rizzy.

Where Y'at?

it's been a busy busy past few weeks. There's been a lull in racing on my part, but there's tons to highlight. lets-a-go:

-last weekend I went for a (very slow) ride with my dad on the bike we got him for Christmas. It was great- no, he doesn't ride a $6000 De Rosa- we got him a Gary fisher Hybrid (courtesy of the boys at Metro bicycles on 88th). since it was cold and un-fun to ride during the winter, this was his first time out on it since we got it for him.



I admit, it may have been a silly sight seeing a 60-something guy on a clunky hybrid riding with a bike racer decked out in a (snazzy) team kit and a (very hot) Italian racing bike. i did a lap with him to see if the bike fit properly, and we strolled through the park. a nice Sunday stroll.




I haven't ridden through the park that slowly in years. It was fantastic. It made me so happy to see my father on a bike, enjoying the park- enjoying something I do- enjoying life. it was pretty awesome. He's now started riding the bike to work- go dad! he'll be rocking the masters' field in no time!

i also took my second Lactate threshold test last week- i improved a good bit, and there's further room for improvement.

Back in January:
Starting weight: 185
body fat: 16.5
Watt/kilo: 2.68
Watts @ Threshold: 225

Now:
weight: 174
body fat: 15.7
watts/kilo: 2.98
watts @ Threshold: 236

I'm happy with that- I'm looking to lose 5-15 lbs more by the new year. (whether that happens or not, we'll see)



I also had the (painful) pleasure of joining a few of my teammates on a ride with the Adler racing guys. It was only supposed to be a leisurely ride up to Nyack... riiiight- The adler guys rolled up and off we went hammering to the Orchards (about an 80 mile trip both ways). It was the toughest training ride I've been on yet- every time there was an incline, these guys would go for it. those adler guys ride a smart training ride...

i stuck on with them up until the final little climb up the the orchards. once I got there, i noticed half our team had disappeared. A delicious muffin later, we were back on the road, hammering it out. my fat ass got dropped on the climb right before the Toga shop. I tempo'ed back to the bridge, eventually catching up with the "shake" to my "bake", Matt. We both proceeded to bonk at the end of the ride- it was miserable and fantastic.


I was in New Orleans this past weekend for a friend's wedding- it was a great time, although i ate like a pig (as is the tradition in good old n'awlins)- how can you say no to beer, oysters, and po boys?? It's funny how not riding for two days makes you feel like a fatty-bobilatty.
I did get to go on a leisurely 30 miler with my old riding buddy Mikey. it was good to hit up the pancake flat levee path, and even sprint to the Huey P Long bridge on the way back. good times.



I hit up a spin class on Sunday with my buddy Luke. Sure, I may have looked a tad ridiculous doing a spin class in my team kit, but that's all i brought with me! It was a good interval workout. I was amazed at how few people that spin actually ride bikes. it's really too bad, cause I think they'd have a good head start over the average fred on a road bike...

out of the saddle Harlem hill repeats from a standing start was on the menu for today. probably the hardest weekday workout I've had to date. from a trackstand at the base of Harlem hill, you sprint to full speed, and hammer out of the saddle till you crest the hill. I started cramping after about 8 of them. ouch. At least i had some fellow teammates along with me to complain to.



It's pretty hilarious how much we (bike racers) complain. I think half of the time its geniune "i'm-in-pain-so-let's-share-in-the-experience" complaining, and the other half is the old "I'll complain that I'm tired just to make you look and feel bad after i kick your ass up that climb" sort of complaining. we all do it. it's pretty funny.

I might race the Kissena park race on Saturday. it's a short, sweet circuit race that favors sprinters. let's see what we can do with that.

Big race on the calendar is the Harlem Crit on the 17th. Combined 4/5 field. top 10 in that field is a goal- top 3 would make me go wee wee in my bibs. but hey- that's ok, cause bibs are just glorified diapers, right?

Right??

TMI.

later.

The Ultimate recovery drink:

Back to it! 3rd place @ the Big Apple Classic

Wahoo!

got back into the racing swing of things today @ the Big Apple Classic race put on by Kissena in Prospect Park. This was my second time racing in prospect, and I was excited to see what I could do now that I had a better sense of the course and where/when to sprint.

The race a was a short one, at 17 mi. I think that was well suited for me, as I think the short distance prevented any breaks from being successful.

The cat 5 race was sketchy as hell. I've definitely noticed that the non CRCA cat 5 races are much sketchier than the C races in central park. I think that's due to all the coaching that's available to cat 5's in the CRCA. kudos to my racing club, they do things right.

we had 5 NYVelocity riders in the cat 5 field, and none in the 4's, as all the cat 4's and above are going to be racing up at Bear mountain tomorrow. I'm marshalling that race tomorrow, should be awesome. So anyway, this meant that we cat 5's had to make due today. good stuff.

I made sure to stay near the front and protect myself from the sketchy riders. I've noticed this one guy in the cat five field- he's enormous. not in a fat way, he's just a big man- at least 6'5". I try and stick to his wheel at every race I'm in- It's akin to sitting in the shad on an august day- it's fantstic. Thanks, big guy.

Once the last lap came around and we crested the "hill" I tried to stay near the top ten position for the sprint. as we came down the last mile, I heard the unfortunate but familiar crunch of a bike accident in progress behind me. I caught it in my peripheral vision and for a minute I thought it was a teammate of mine. As luck would have it, it wasn't. I was happy as hell to be near the front.

I noticed some CRCA guys were trying to organize a lead out for the sprint, and did my best to position myself.

Then, all of a sudden, my boy Bill (who was doing his first race) comes out of nowhere to lead me out.

Awesome, man. The lead out might have been a tad early, but he put his heart into it and ripped himself a new one to lead me out. Big ups to you, Bill.

I pulled around him and stuck on another guy and went for it. I barely missed second , but nabbed third in the sprint. Hoo-rah.

I was really happy with the result.

silly photos and team shots ensued.


Saturday's NYVC cat 5 squad:





Who bought tickets to the gun show?



The spoils of the (3rd place) victor? a medal!



I'm easily amused, but when I was a kid, I was a bit of a fattie and never really won anything sports-related. doing well in these bike races is pretty damn cathartic for me. its the fatty in me sticking it to the skinny grade school/high school kids that got all the glory in high school. it feels good.

That being said, I ended up speaking to a guy named Luke today that reads this fine blog. we got into a convo of the NY racing scene, and the prevalent theme is this- if you're not 21 and a cat one, you shouldn't take yourself too seriously. have fun, enjoy the fantastic hobby/sport that you do, but don't take yourself too seriously.



I also met a cool photographer named Richard, who was visiting from France- he does photos for a bunch of cycling magazines, and had some amazing shots of the 'cross races in Belgium. uber-jealous.

I'm not out to win a tour- I'm out to have fun, compete, do my best, and enjoy myself. I'm never going to be a pro, nor do i desire to make 14K a year doing so. I've got a full time job, a full time life, and this full time hobby- I do what I can and enjoy the spoils of it.



'nuff said.

Marshalling bear mtn tomorrow. should be fun.

Time for food and alcohol!

-Stophe

Shake and bake! 2nd place in central park, and a romp up to Bear mtn

I decided to do a club race this past weekend- the CRCA was putting on a Harlem hill points race. The way it worked was as follows: on the 2nd and 4th laps, there would be points for the first three people to get to the top of Harlem hill. There would also be points at the final sprint.

I was interested to see how different a points race would be when compared to a regular points race. in central park, it's a race that seems to favor sprinters. However, you can't just follow the old "sit your fat ass in the peloton and do no work till the end" sort of game plan, cause you'll probably lose that way. you have to pony up for at least one of those hilltop sprints as well.

Our team had closest to ten people in the field of 40 or so C-riders. we paired each other off so that we could attack in pairs, and we decided who was going to attack and when. I was going to sit and wait till the end, and hopefully get the final sprint, with the help of a friendly lead-out.

Well, what you plan and what unfolds can and do usually differ. Our guys were attacking, but you can't control how the peloton will react. Our early attacks/counter attacks worked on the first hill, and one of out guys picked off the hill for points.

on the 4th lap, we started approaching Harlem hill. I was near the front of the pack, but only saw my teammate Matt in front of me. i looked around expecting another of our guys to follow suite for sprint points, but didn't see any. I decided to go along with Matt, and nabbed 3rd place for 2 pts.

photo courtesy of Andy Shen @ nyvelocity.com

Matt, by the way, was the all star of the race.

By the time the last lap came around, it started to speed up. I jockeyed for position, and found a decent spot behind my homeboy Ryan (who works at Metro), and then Matt. We got a good jump on the sprint, and took first and second at the line.

photo courtesy of Andy Shen @ nyvelocity.com

end result? Matt took 1st with 19 pts, and I nabbed 2nd with 8 pts.




Shake and Bake!


Some other of our teammates nabbed 5th, 6th, and 7th, respectively.

Big ups to the following people: Matt for dominating the C field, Greg Faber for riding super strong during the whole race, Ryan for being a monster, Cassie for sticking with the women's pack (which is a combined 1,2,3 and 4 field) and Bandit bad boy Jeff king for taking the win in the A field


The race went really smoothly and I thought the C field held up really well- the laps were going in the 15 and 16 minute range, which is a pretty good pace. I don't believe there were any accidents, either. There's been alot of talk on the local listserves and racing sites about cat 5's and their abilities as beginning racers. I don't know where I stand on it, because i don't think there's a clear judgment to be made. Not all cat 5's are sketchy, but there definitely are some (I won't mention names of people or the bikes they ride- just to keep the anon haters at bay... and besides, I don't want a frame pump to magically appear jammed in my spokes during a race...). I think the CRCA has done alot to help cat 5's improve and move on up vis-a-vis coaching. That being said, I do get the feeling that some people consider the cat 5's as a bunch of drooling special 'eds with fresh loads in their bibs. Well, you know what I say to those people? That only happened once!

After the race we headed on up to Piermont for a celebratory Muffin. Matt and I were buying- he won $25 and I won $20!. Ah, the spoils of victory... At least its good for a few pastries.

On Sunday we drove up to Bear mountain to do a couple of laps of the course for the Bear Mountain race. a big ole' team ride ensued, and the weather was fantastic (and HOT)



The funniest part of the day came around when one of our coaches, Alex, realized that he forgot his shoes. I instantly remembered the scene in "breaking away," and quickly asked,

"does anyone have any duct tape?"



electrical tape? no problem! I taped both of hug gigantic clogs to his speedplays, and off we went. i think he got about 30 miles in before the tape tore apart. Hardcore points for Ostroy...



I'd like to equate it to Central park X3 with 'roid rage. It looks like the course makes for a tough and interesting race. What I do know is that it's definitely not a race that I'm suited for. the long climb at the beginning of the lap would be brutal under race conditions. I'll give it a try come the Fall race, but I'm going to sit out and marshal the spring race just so i can get a better sense of how the race normally unfolds. That might also give my chubby ass more time to unload some more junk in my trunk...


I've been meaning to look into more sprint-specific workouts. my coach gives me a bunch, but I've heard (and read) that stuff like Plyometrics are great for sprinters. Anyone out in internetland know anything about that? One of these days I'd like to get some sprint drills done with some of the cat 1's or 2's just to get my ass handed to me and learn. I need to ask around...

This weekend burnt me out in every sense of the word. The weather was fantastic- high 70's/ low 80's and sunny. I've got my retarded tan lines back, and they're only going to get worse... it's funny how that brings a smile to my face.

I went for a recovery ride this morning. Ran into Josh from TNT as well as a teammate. I forgot how much I love riding just for the sake of it- i didn't bring my HRM and i did not glance at my computer at any point during the ride. it was great. The weather made it even better- no arm or leg warmers. hoo-rah.

Anyway, my legs are killing me, and I've got an itchy throat. this week is mostly a rest week, except for tomorrow, which is another time trial lap of the park. I'm looking to beat 17:04- hopefully I'll be able to ride the park a little smarter.

asta!

Battenkill Roubaix Race recap! getting dropped, catching up, drinking beer!

What a weekend.

That was the toughest road race I've done to date.

It was also one of the most satisfying one yet.

I was worried about this course- there were 3 or 4 significant climbs, and I hadn't yet raced a real climbing race. Let's face it, I've still got a few lbs to lose before I'm at my ideal cycling weight, and while where' I'm at right now isn't a hindrance on the flats and sprints, it brings the pain train into the station on the climbs. Ah well, something to work on.

Chad, Victoria and I drove 3 hours north on Saturday morning for the race. Props to Victoria's hot new blue Mini Cooper S- we've got the hottest (mini) team car around now! plus, it matches our team kits. bonus.

once we got up to the beautiful town of Salem, we realized that the weather predictions ha been blown Wayyyyy out of proportion. it was in the low 40's when the race started- perfect long sleeve jersey racing weather. Big ups to Greyhound juice for keeping my twin towers of doom hot and toasty under the leg warmers.

The minute we parked, we say familiar faces. Teammates and racing buddies. I missed the cameraderie one has with others at out of town races- i think that's why i liked cross so much; they were all out of town!

Cisco, our coach, was there, hanging out in the Adler RV. they got an RV- so pro!
we were told that the first climb at mile seven was the tipping point of the race- it was steep, and there was going to be some bobblehead attacking off the front. Stay in the pack, they said, and you'll be fine. duly noted.


Got to the starting line a few minutes early and made myself comfortable up front. Always get to the starting line early, I say. A few of my buddies missed their starts yesterday and ended up having to chase the whole time. not fun. btw, the guy next to me in the photo came in second. great job!

The race began with a neutral lap around the town. I was glad we had that, cause it let me legs get nice and warm before the fun started. after that lap, we were off.

Soon the climb came around, and I knew i was in for a suffer-fest. as predicted, some hot head attacked off the front, driving the pace up the hill.

I got dropped on the first hill. Good lord. I went from winning a race two weeks ago to getting dropped on the first hill of this one.

...

but all is not lost! i got over the climb as quickly as possible and started double timing it. I figured i wasn't the only one that was going to get dropped, and maybe I could pick some stragglers up and get a chase group going.

One by one, I caught up with stragglers. I looked at them and said "let's go." I picked up one of my teammates, Michael, on the way. Off we went. we were about 4 strong, although some people came and went- we picked up and lost a few people on the way. However, Michael, Ben (from Brooklyn Velo Force), and myself stuck together during the whole race. New yorker's gotta stick together!

We worked together, we suffered up the ugly, ugly, ugly (Rosie o'donnell ugly) unpaved climbs, and we seriously booked it on the flats- rotating, churning, burning. Little by little, we started picking people off and passing them.

The last ten miles of the race were glorious. it was generally flat/rolling (which was welcome after the brutal climbs), and I decided to put the pressure on. now was the time to catch them while they were tired. We kept the pace hard, and passed a good number of people. We even passed the guy who attacked on the first climb (retribution!)

We had a fun little sprint to the end, and we were done. My lungs wanted to combust, my legs were noodles, and I had a shit-eating-grin on my face.

How'd I do?

14th!

Given that I'm not much of a climber, and that I got dropped on the first climb, I'm really happy with how i did here. Ben, Mike, and I were able to work together, and through our collective suffering we were able to reel them in and finish respectably.

The reward? A big 'ole bottle of Ommegang! Belgian beer for a Belgian race!




The ultimate 8.5% alcohol recovery drink. (i really do recommend it, it's a fantastic beer).



big ups to all of the NYVelocity teammates- awesome job guys! we came out and did our best, and it was a fun and painful experience.


I'd like to give a big thank you to Dieter and the volunteers for putting together such a great race- it was really well organized and a ton of fun. A race is that much better when you've got people screaming and ringing bells when you go by.

as we were watching the other categories enter the finish, two of the kids from the Farm team junior squad (the race is a fundraiser for their team) came up to me and asked me for my autograph.



i didn't have the heart to tell them I was a cat 5 with a few lbs to lose. "Ride hard! -Christophe"

I must be pro, now, right? I mean, kids are asking me for my autograph!

ah well, sweet kids. I wish I had started riding that early. they're going to be fast little SOB's when they're older (especially training on the Battenkill roads!)


the ride back was a snoozefest. a special thank you to Chad's fiance for the pillow sponsorship.


ok, time for more fun with the Massage stick.

weekend recap: brooklyn racing, training, gimbel's murder, and HAM!

yet another action packed episode of Alliwannadoisbicycle!

Let's try a blog bullet form. Hopefully it'll make things clean and easy. Although that's what they said about oxy clean, and that was a piece on as-seen-on-tv garbage. Billy Mayes, you should be ashamed of yourself.

-Raced in the Spring series race in prospect park on Saturday. it was the first time I've ridden, let alone raced in prospect, so it was quite an experience. I think the course suits me better than Central park, since it's flatter. However, I'm super familiar with central park, and have raced more there. PP is a bit narrow at times, and I really should go and scope out the strategic sprint locations 2 or 300 meters before the finish. it was SUPER cold Saturday morning- around 34 degrees, which is about as low as i'll go for road racing (cyclocross is a different story). Thank god for Greyhound juice. I decided to lay low for most of the race, but ended up wasting a bit of energy here and there. a 3 man break got away and stayed away. ah, well. I managed to come in the top 15 or so in a field of about 40. satisfactory. next PP race will be better, especially if we have more teammates out.



-Chad and I then went on a post-race training/suffering ride. Why we keep doing these, i don't know. We went up to Nyack and had our customary Muffins. by the way, the muffins are even better if you ask them to toast them on the pannini press first. Paris thinks that's hot.

-we met up with some of the NYVelocity Ladies and rode back with them. a sweet tailwind made our pace-lining all the swifter. it also warmed up a bit at the end of the ride, which was awesome.

-Sunday was quite the humbling experience. Chad and I met up with a few other hearty teammates and we went to go do the Gimbel's ride. Well, not to make excuses (ok, to totally make excuses), Saturday was rough on my legs, and Chad was even worse off after also having raced Sunday morning (crazy man). the gimbel's ride is a fast, fast ride. it starts in Yonkers and rolls through Greenwhich CT. I have no idea where it ends. it was all fine in the flats, but the ex pros and the cat 1's generally decide on the pace. the minute the short, punchy hills started, i knew i was in trouble. Chad and I ended up getting dropped. We courageously chased back the pack with 2 other guys, but the minute another hill hit, they were gone. we wasted so much energy catching up that we had nothing left once another climb hit. Ah, well.

-once we got dropped, we realized we were stuck in Greenwhich. and had no idea where we were. Then we both bonked. I bonked pretty hard, which was majorly sucky. we eventually found a Panera in Portchester and stuffed ourselves stupid. Then we took the metro north back. Ha.

-Proceeded to go home, pass out, and eat tons of Easter Ham. Salvatore Commesso would be proud.


-Big race is coming up next weekend. The Battenkill-Roubaix. the Hell of the North(east). Jay might be there as well. It's going to be huge. and epic. and I'm going to die.

-55 miles, half of which is unpaved. about 4,700 feet of vertical climbing.
I'm bringing my 13-26 cassette, my hincapie sunglasses, and a sixer of Chimay (as a post race reward/celebration/consolation prize), and holding on for dear life. I'll probably get dropped like Michael Jackson's baby. Ah well. Time to suffer!


Save as Draft

here's the elevation profile:



Oye Vei. Happy Passover. That's just not Kosher!

Victory is mine!

(photo courtesy of Andy Shen @ NYVelocity.com)

I won.

I won?

I totally did!

I've never won a bike race before. I keep repeating the final seconds in my head. Pure awesome.

I had a good feeling yesterday before the race started. we had over 11 people in the C field, and we had two different strategies for the win.

Our first strategy was to try and get a break off with three of our guys. if that failed, I was going to try and take it in a field sprint.

The latter happened. :)

The race was supposed to be a 5 lap race of central park (at 6 miles per lap). the strategy my coach gave me was simple- stay in the middle of the pack, do NO work, and then get a lead out and sprint for the finish (should the break away fail)

The first three laps of this race were the most relaxing race laps I've ever done- I was in my endurance and tempo zones for most of the race- It was much smarter racing, and it left me with a ton of juice for the finish.

on the second to last lap, we heard the bell. There was some confusion at first, but then we realized they were cutting the race down by a lap - it had become the final lap. Our Guys, Rob, Ted, and Steve- made a break at the base of harlem hill. it stuck for a little while, but a few problems arose and cause the break to fall apart: rob got a flat, Steve cramped, and they weren't able to regroup very well in enough time to organize the break. The peloton was also freaking out since the race had been cut by a lap, so they were in a hurry.

i stayed near the front for the rest of the final lap- last time i was hard pressed to position myself well for the sprint. I also didnt have a good lead out, and had to sprint up cat's paw before the actual sprint, leaving me spent. This time, I made sure to be in the top 5 or 6 coming through horse-shit alley, and stuck onto my teammates Clay, and then Ultimately Nate, before i started to sprint. Nate made for a great lead-out- i started my sprint after the crest, and was able to fire on all cylinders- i came right up the front, and it was between me and two other guys. right before i hit the finish, i threw my bike towards the line, and instantly heard cheers from some of the female teammates that were spectating.


(photo courtesy of Andy Shen @ NYVelocity.com)

Did I just win?

oh man. I did.


(photo courtesy of Andy Shen @ NYVelocity.com)

I've never felt that before. going against a slew of people like that in physical competition and coming out as numero uno.

I keep replaying it in my head. I love it. That's what its about.

I'm going to keep working on my sprinting- my legs are definitely more built for sprinting than for climbing, so we'll see how well i can develop it.

I can't wait to do it again. This gives me all the more incentive to keep pushing myself.


This is Evan and I. Evan's a junior rider- 17 yrs old- he came in third today. fast SOB.

After the race, we had ANOTHER post-race training ride to Nyack. it was a fun ride, but i was definitely hurting by the end. We were all riding really well as a team, though, and that was great to see. Had a celebratory muffin at the 'spoon. hoo-ha. 90 miles total yesterday. I was beat. I went home andpassed out for 4 hrs.

Today is a hill repeat day. oye vei. Looking forward to tomorrow's rest day.

Here's the obligatory victory pose (post-humously)

New Kits in time for the first race

Hoo rah- just picked up our jersey (bibs coming later)

They're hot.

This is pretty much the only reason i joined a team! (half joking!)



the inside collar says this:



I'm sure Fatmarc would disagree...

I'll probably develop an eating disorder now...


These kits are going to get wrecked come cyclocross season.

Racing tomorrow morning. off to bed in a few. We have 9 people in the C race. we are going to (hopefully) dominate it.

My TT time for the 6 mile loop of the park was 17:04. respectable, but i'm not satisfied. Let's see how low it can go...

the arm wamers and collar say "None shall Pass." Let's hope no one does.